Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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