I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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