i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
