When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
