do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
