every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
