I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
