It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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