Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
