if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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