new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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