Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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