it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
