He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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