tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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