you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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