I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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