who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
zippers are such a cool invention
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
