clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
