Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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