i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
