I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
