If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
