: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
