Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
