So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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