I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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