he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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