I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
