Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize