Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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