my soul wont recognize me after tonight
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
