I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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