Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
