a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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