If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
