Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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