so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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