I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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