So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
