Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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