Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
