So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
