Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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