Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
