Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
