i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
