that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My penis needs a shock collar
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
