Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
