do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
