Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
