I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
