I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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