peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
