Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
