when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My life is pants optional.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
