He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize