i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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