She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
