I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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