Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
