Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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