we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
