I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize