So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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