Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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