I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
