Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
