____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
