I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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